Marital Intimacy

This week we read some great articles, as well as a great chapter from Dr. Goddard's book, regarding physical intimacy between a married couple.  I grew up in a home where we pretty much avoided the topic.  Neither parent was very comfortable talking about sex and I can't say that I ever heard that sex is meant to be a sacred relationship between a husband and wife, not only to strengthen the bond between the two, but also for the purpose of bringing children into this world.  If they did, I must not have been listening, because, well, I was taught that it was something that we just don't talk about.  I wish it had been different.  I am trying to be much more open with my own kids, while at the same time conveying the fact that it is a sacred thing, and we should discuss it at appropriate times (i.e., not in front of little kids who will go repeat everything to their little friends.)  So far, it's been great to be able to talk to my 2 oldest kids, and to help them to understand why we don't give ourselves before marriage.  
We also read about fidelity (and avoiding infidelity) in a marriage.  I loved the quote that Dr. Goddard shared in his book, which said,  ""The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water."  If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding.  If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot.  And the devil knows that." He gave great guidelines for ways that we can avoid trouble with fidelity in our marriages and said that when we're alert to danger signs, we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously.  I also really liked that he quoted Joseph Smith - "As we should have "an eye single to the glory of God," so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family."  Satan is the great deceiver.  By making 2 people think that they're "just friends", he can lead them down a path that can quickly become dangerous and completely inappropriate.  It always seems so innocent and harmless at first.  Nobody goes into a relationship thinking that it will end in an affair, or anything even close to an affair.  But that's how the adversary gets you.  "And thus the devil cheateth their souls and leadeth them away carefully down to hell" (2 Nephi 28:21)   It's just not worth it to even take a chance.  Though at times it may seem awkward to turn someone down for a lunch date or whatever, I would hope that any good person would understand the reasoning as respect that.  I completely agree, that the grass is always greener on the side that gets the water.  When we're taking care of our own marriages, and watching out for signs of danger, when we're putting our spouses first and doing our best to see them as the Lord sees them, I believe that we can prevent infidelity in our marriages.

Charity

This week we read a wonderful chapter about having charity in our marriages.  C.S. Lewis described a sin against charity as sulking, snapping at/snubbing someone or storming.  And he said, "surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man his is.  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth."  I just thought that that quote was so poignant and true.  Trying to let go of the natural man's way of thinking about my husband, or about any situation that we may be in, and trying to truly grasp charity is easier said than done but so worthwhile.  I love reading about seeking to see my husband the way that Christ sees him.  Dr. Goddard said, "We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace."  The quote by Wendy Watson went so well with this - "An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."  I've found this to be true in my marriage.  Though I'm not perfect at it, by any means, I've been trying to not let the little things bother me, and trying to focus in on the good things about my husband.  And there are a lot of good things for which I am thankful. A while back, my husband and I took the "5 Love Languages" test and his biggest love language is "words of affirmation".  After that, I made a little board to put on his nightstand that says, "I love you because..." and I can write something new each day.  I know that he's appreciated it and it's helped me to appreciate him more, which has been great.  I still have a lot of work to do with charity in my marriage and I love so much of what was written in this chapter.  

I also loved how some of the reading in Dr. Gottman's book went along with the theme of charity.  I regards to dealing with in-laws, I liked that he said, "An important part of putting your spouse fist and building this sense of solidarity is to not tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents." And, "remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of "we-ness" between husband and wife."  I think that establishing that connection, and sticking to it is an act of charity.

Appreciation

I have been working on trying to notice the good things that my husband does each day and not to let the annoying things bother me.  I'd love to get to a place where I hardly notice those things.  I loved reading about having a sense of humor in our relationships which is another thing I've been trying to work on.  I think that it's important that we don't take life so seriously at times.  Or at least that we learn to laugh a lot because there are so many trivial things that get in the way that shouldn't.  As Dr. Gottman said, "A robust fondness-and-admiration system is central to remaining happily married - foibles and all."  Being able to laugh the little things away helps us to form fondness and admiration for each other.  Making sure that each partner feels known, respected and loved by you is another thing that I loved reading in Dr. Gottman's book.

I think that those things tie in very well with Dr. Goddard's chapter on Consecration.  He said, "Those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious.  One day we may feel honored to have known the people we now disdain."  I don't remember if it was in this class or my D&C class but we recently read a quote from Brigham Young where he said that if we could only see our husbands the way that they will be in the next life, we would bow down at their feet and worship them.  I loved that, and the quote from Goddard, because I believe that it's so important to keep eternity in mind.  This life is not going to last forever, but our actions in this life will determine our happiness and exaltation in the next.  Any time I start to think critically of my husband, I try to remind myself that I am far from perfect and that I need to cut him some slack.  It's not always easy but I've seen our relationship improve as we've tried to look toward each other with a more Christ-like view.  Again, we're only human and sometimes it can be very challenging.  I stumble and fall - a lot.  But the important thing is to get back up and keep trying, keep working to be better than we were and to keep working with our spouses to improve our marriages.

Pride

This week was focused on pride.  This week should have been called "Here, have a big slice of humble pie" week.  Seriously.  We read a lot about pride and repentance.  There are so many things that I need to work on and yet, I'm glad that I was able to learn so much on the subject.  There's so much more to repentance than I had really thought about before.
One of our assignments was to write about one of the little prideful games that we play in our marriage.  I chose one for the assignment, but I'll write briefly about another one here.  Talking about my husband's faults with other people.  Namely, my sisters.  I'm pretty bad about going to my sisters to vent when something isn't going well.  But a sister shared this quote in Relief Society a few weeks ago and it really stuck with me.  She said that she had heard this quote from someone when she got married - it says, "My husband has a lot of faults, but you'll never hear about them from me."  Isn't that great?  It's so simple, yet so powerful.  I try to put myself in my husband's shoes.  How would he feel if he knew, or heard me talking to my sisters about all of his faults and errors?  I know that, were the tables turned, I would feel pretty awful.  I would be pretty ticked off, too.  We read a lot about honoring each other in Dr. Gottman's book this week and I believe that we honor each other when we sit down together to talk about our needs, rather than going to someone else to complain about them.  The chapter that we read in Dr. Goddard's book this week was about humility and repentance.  Here are some of the quotes and snippets from that chapter that I really loved:

"In great literature - including scripture - the highest and noblest service entailed sacrifice and selflessness.  In contrast, evil was always self-centered and self-serving."

"Any time wee feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.  In contrast, when we have the "mind of Christ," we see our spouses in a new way..."if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses]". (That last part of a quote was from Joseph Smith.)
Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires."

"I cannot truly repent without sacrificing some of the natural man."    We have to give up the natural man, which is prone to judgment and weakness and let Christ direct our lives, including our marriages.

This week was a really great week and I have a lot to work on!  I hope that we can all work on letting go of the pride that hinders our progress and hurts our marriages and work on loving each other as Christ loves us.  If you want to read a really great talk regarding the sin of pride, please read this talk by Pres. Spencer W. Kimball.  You can find it Here.