The In-Laws

The In-Laws.  Many people cringe at those words.  I will admit that the first few years of my marriage were harder because I didn't have a great relationship with my in-laws.  It's taken a long time and a lot of effort on both sides to be able to create a better relationship.  I really enjoyed reading about proper relationships with in-laws and extended family this week.  The most meaningful thing about it was that as I read, I often thought of my future son and daughters-in-law.  I feel that it's priceless to be able to learn things about this important relationship now, long before I need it.  Well, before I am the dreaded mother-in-law.  I truly hope that I won't be dreaded when the day comes.  I would love to have a wonderful relationship with the daughters of God that my sons will marry, and with the son of God that my daughter will marry.  That's what it's truly all about anyway, treating each other as sons and daughters of God.  It was really interesting to read about different parenting styles, to have a little refresher on some of the things I've learned in previous classes.  This week's reading gave me some things to think about so that I can work on becoming the kind of person that will never be considered a monster-in-law.  I feel that my relationship with my husband's parents has improved over the last 14 years and I'm thankful for that.  We will always have our differences, but we can learn from those differences and we can love each other despite those differences.  This was a great week, and a wonderful way to wrap up an awesome semester learning about marriage and family.

Power

There were so many great things in this week's reading.  One of the first things that stood out to me was this quote, from the "Who's the Boss" reading.  "Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need.” I liked that because it's so true and also because it's far-reaching.  We can be over indulgent to our kids and also to ourselves.  I think that this kind of attitude or lifestyle leads to pride, which Pres. Eyring warned about.  Pride, a lack of gratitude, entitlement are all detrimental to any relationship and should be carefully guarded against.  This can be true no matter what relationship we're talking about.  

That brings me to a book called Counseling with our Councils.  We read a great chapter that showed parallels between how the Church operates, and how we can, and should, use those same principles to operate our homes.  We have a responsibility to teach our children in a loving, safe and spiritual environment.  Men should lead the family in the way that Christ led the Church.  I loved reading about the priesthood as well.  As the priesthood is the government of heaven and of earth, and it should be used for service, compassion and caring, it gives us a glimpse of heaven and what Heavenly Father and Jesus are like.   When we fully embrace those characteristics and attitudes, we can become a little more like Christ and Heavenly Father each day. 

Marital Intimacy

This week we read some great articles, as well as a great chapter from Dr. Goddard's book, regarding physical intimacy between a married couple.  I grew up in a home where we pretty much avoided the topic.  Neither parent was very comfortable talking about sex and I can't say that I ever heard that sex is meant to be a sacred relationship between a husband and wife, not only to strengthen the bond between the two, but also for the purpose of bringing children into this world.  If they did, I must not have been listening, because, well, I was taught that it was something that we just don't talk about.  I wish it had been different.  I am trying to be much more open with my own kids, while at the same time conveying the fact that it is a sacred thing, and we should discuss it at appropriate times (i.e., not in front of little kids who will go repeat everything to their little friends.)  So far, it's been great to be able to talk to my 2 oldest kids, and to help them to understand why we don't give ourselves before marriage.  
We also read about fidelity (and avoiding infidelity) in a marriage.  I loved the quote that Dr. Goddard shared in his book, which said,  ""The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water."  If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding.  If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot.  And the devil knows that." He gave great guidelines for ways that we can avoid trouble with fidelity in our marriages and said that when we're alert to danger signs, we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously.  I also really liked that he quoted Joseph Smith - "As we should have "an eye single to the glory of God," so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family."  Satan is the great deceiver.  By making 2 people think that they're "just friends", he can lead them down a path that can quickly become dangerous and completely inappropriate.  It always seems so innocent and harmless at first.  Nobody goes into a relationship thinking that it will end in an affair, or anything even close to an affair.  But that's how the adversary gets you.  "And thus the devil cheateth their souls and leadeth them away carefully down to hell" (2 Nephi 28:21)   It's just not worth it to even take a chance.  Though at times it may seem awkward to turn someone down for a lunch date or whatever, I would hope that any good person would understand the reasoning as respect that.  I completely agree, that the grass is always greener on the side that gets the water.  When we're taking care of our own marriages, and watching out for signs of danger, when we're putting our spouses first and doing our best to see them as the Lord sees them, I believe that we can prevent infidelity in our marriages.

Charity

This week we read a wonderful chapter about having charity in our marriages.  C.S. Lewis described a sin against charity as sulking, snapping at/snubbing someone or storming.  And he said, "surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man his is.  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth."  I just thought that that quote was so poignant and true.  Trying to let go of the natural man's way of thinking about my husband, or about any situation that we may be in, and trying to truly grasp charity is easier said than done but so worthwhile.  I love reading about seeking to see my husband the way that Christ sees him.  Dr. Goddard said, "We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace."  The quote by Wendy Watson went so well with this - "An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."  I've found this to be true in my marriage.  Though I'm not perfect at it, by any means, I've been trying to not let the little things bother me, and trying to focus in on the good things about my husband.  And there are a lot of good things for which I am thankful. A while back, my husband and I took the "5 Love Languages" test and his biggest love language is "words of affirmation".  After that, I made a little board to put on his nightstand that says, "I love you because..." and I can write something new each day.  I know that he's appreciated it and it's helped me to appreciate him more, which has been great.  I still have a lot of work to do with charity in my marriage and I love so much of what was written in this chapter.  

I also loved how some of the reading in Dr. Gottman's book went along with the theme of charity.  I regards to dealing with in-laws, I liked that he said, "An important part of putting your spouse fist and building this sense of solidarity is to not tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents." And, "remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of "we-ness" between husband and wife."  I think that establishing that connection, and sticking to it is an act of charity.

Appreciation

I have been working on trying to notice the good things that my husband does each day and not to let the annoying things bother me.  I'd love to get to a place where I hardly notice those things.  I loved reading about having a sense of humor in our relationships which is another thing I've been trying to work on.  I think that it's important that we don't take life so seriously at times.  Or at least that we learn to laugh a lot because there are so many trivial things that get in the way that shouldn't.  As Dr. Gottman said, "A robust fondness-and-admiration system is central to remaining happily married - foibles and all."  Being able to laugh the little things away helps us to form fondness and admiration for each other.  Making sure that each partner feels known, respected and loved by you is another thing that I loved reading in Dr. Gottman's book.

I think that those things tie in very well with Dr. Goddard's chapter on Consecration.  He said, "Those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious.  One day we may feel honored to have known the people we now disdain."  I don't remember if it was in this class or my D&C class but we recently read a quote from Brigham Young where he said that if we could only see our husbands the way that they will be in the next life, we would bow down at their feet and worship them.  I loved that, and the quote from Goddard, because I believe that it's so important to keep eternity in mind.  This life is not going to last forever, but our actions in this life will determine our happiness and exaltation in the next.  Any time I start to think critically of my husband, I try to remind myself that I am far from perfect and that I need to cut him some slack.  It's not always easy but I've seen our relationship improve as we've tried to look toward each other with a more Christ-like view.  Again, we're only human and sometimes it can be very challenging.  I stumble and fall - a lot.  But the important thing is to get back up and keep trying, keep working to be better than we were and to keep working with our spouses to improve our marriages.

Pride

This week was focused on pride.  This week should have been called "Here, have a big slice of humble pie" week.  Seriously.  We read a lot about pride and repentance.  There are so many things that I need to work on and yet, I'm glad that I was able to learn so much on the subject.  There's so much more to repentance than I had really thought about before.
One of our assignments was to write about one of the little prideful games that we play in our marriage.  I chose one for the assignment, but I'll write briefly about another one here.  Talking about my husband's faults with other people.  Namely, my sisters.  I'm pretty bad about going to my sisters to vent when something isn't going well.  But a sister shared this quote in Relief Society a few weeks ago and it really stuck with me.  She said that she had heard this quote from someone when she got married - it says, "My husband has a lot of faults, but you'll never hear about them from me."  Isn't that great?  It's so simple, yet so powerful.  I try to put myself in my husband's shoes.  How would he feel if he knew, or heard me talking to my sisters about all of his faults and errors?  I know that, were the tables turned, I would feel pretty awful.  I would be pretty ticked off, too.  We read a lot about honoring each other in Dr. Gottman's book this week and I believe that we honor each other when we sit down together to talk about our needs, rather than going to someone else to complain about them.  The chapter that we read in Dr. Goddard's book this week was about humility and repentance.  Here are some of the quotes and snippets from that chapter that I really loved:

"In great literature - including scripture - the highest and noblest service entailed sacrifice and selflessness.  In contrast, evil was always self-centered and self-serving."

"Any time wee feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.  In contrast, when we have the "mind of Christ," we see our spouses in a new way..."if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses]". (That last part of a quote was from Joseph Smith.)
Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires."

"I cannot truly repent without sacrificing some of the natural man."    We have to give up the natural man, which is prone to judgment and weakness and let Christ direct our lives, including our marriages.

This week was a really great week and I have a lot to work on!  I hope that we can all work on letting go of the pride that hinders our progress and hurts our marriages and work on loving each other as Christ loves us.  If you want to read a really great talk regarding the sin of pride, please read this talk by Pres. Spencer W. Kimball.  You can find it Here.

Fondness & Admiration

Sigh....do you ever feel like sometimes you take one step forward and two GIANT steps back?  That's how this week was for us.  The last couple weeks were great and I felt like we were really learning.  I was really looking forward to this week, too.  And then something came up between us which escalated and, basically, we haven't spoken to each other in 24 hours.  Pretty sure that's not what I've been learning about in this class.  It's been a tough week, to say the least.
This week's reading in Dr. Gottman's book was, partially, about nurturing your fondness & admiration for each other.  He says that when a marriage is in trouble, as long as a couple can look back on their past with fondness, the marriage can be saved.  I think that's pretty cool.  And I'm happy to say that despite the anger and tears this week, the stuff that I read kept creeping into my mind and I was able to think fondly about my husband an my past together.  I'm grateful for that.  Dr. Gottman also says that the antidote for contempt is reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities.  Now that is something I should have worked harder on this week, despite our situation.
In Dr. Goddard's book, he talked about the power of faith in our Savior, and the effect that it has on our marriages.  I loved this chapter.  It went really well with the Gottman book, as it talked about focusing on the positive, replacing judgment and condemnation with compassion and love.  He said that we are "nobles who are on a journey Home to the King!"  Don't you love that?  In my religion class, we read D&C 42:22-23 which says that we must cleave unto our spouse and love them with all our hearts.  In our accompanying study manual it says, in regards to this scripture, "Only tow commandments i all the scriptures require us to love with all our heart.  We are commanded to love God with all our heart (see Deuteronomy 6:5; Matthew 22:37), and we are commanded to love our spouse with all our heart.  Think about that for a minute.  Doesn't that illustrate so beautifully the importance of marriage, and also how we should be treating or spouses?  Pres. Spencer W. Kimball said, "As we should have 'an eye single to the glory of God,' so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the  marriage and the spouse and family."  He also said, "When the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving."  Love God and love your spouse with all your heart.  All of it.
As the week progressed, my husband and I were able to work through the situation that came up.  It's always so nice, so refreshing to get back to normal, to work through a problem and put it behind you.  I have enjoyed working on the assignments for class this week, looking for the bids that we make for each other's attention, and for ways that we turn towards each other.  And I look forward to continuing each day in this class as I/we learn how we can improve the most important relationship I've got, second only to the one I have with my Heavenly Father!

Love maps & The Master Architect

This week in class we started some fun assignments.  For starters, we're required to go on a date every week for the next 5 weeks.  Best assignment ever.  And I've been bugging my husband about making date night more of a priority so now that it's an assignment, well, we just have to do it.  O.k., I make it sound like he's not game...he is.  It's just that thing called time.  And money.  But we're encouraged to be creative and I've got some plans for some fun, free date nights so that we don't have to spend money every time we go out.  One of the keys to a long, lasting marriage is the friendship that you share with your spouse.  So the date night assignment is part of that.  Going out to get to know each other better, spend quality time together, etc.
We also took a "Love Maps Questionnaire" from the Seven Principles book by Dr. Gottman.  In this book, he said, "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map - my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  So in the questionnaire, we answered questions about each other and then got points based on whether or not we answered those questions correctly.  I'm happy to say that my hubs and I did great on this little activity and scored very high!  It's good to see that we've both been paying attention to each other for the past 14 years.  :)
We also read chapter 2 of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.  This, is a great book about drawing God into your marriage and making your marriage stronger by following gospel principles.  As we make Heavenly Father a partner in our marriage, he can do amazing things with us.  I loved this line, "We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving-kindness with which He views them."  I love that.  If we pray to see our spouse the way that Heavenly Father sees them, instead of how we, with our flawed, mortal minds will see them, we will be able to better understand them and love them with a purer heart.  I also loved this.  Dr. Goddard included this passage from C.S. Lewis, "Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."
Dr. Goddard said of this, "If we trust the Master Architect and appreciate the style of (our house), God will turn our jarring differences into lovely courtyards and magnificent towers."
Isn't that great?  By letting Heavenly Father be the Mater Architect of our lives, including our marriages, he can make us better than we ever imagined.  

We started reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman.  I am really excited to start this book – I’ve heard great things about it and so far it is great.  I really like that a major theme of his book is that married couples should be great friends.  I like how he pointed out that finding hobbies to do together can be good if you both enjoy them.  I have been telling my husband lately that we need to find some things that we like to do together, just the two of us, and that thought had definitely crossed my mind.  Honestly, it’s more about date night.  We are really bad about making time for a regular date night each week.  So I think it'll be fun to go out and try new things together and to make date night a bigger priority.  And it will be a good opportunity to strengthen our friendship.  I also really loved that he said, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse."  There was really so much in the first 3 chapters that I won’t go into it all here, but I will say that I was alarmed to see some of the warning signs in my marriage.  At the same time I’m thankful to have the opportunity to read this book so that we can learn how to change what we’re doing wrong, how to improve, and how to increase what we’re doing right.  

Eternal Marriage

I gained so much from the talks that we read in class this week.  One of the most important principles that stood out to me was how much our examples teach our children and also those whom we come into contact with in our daily lives.  This principle tied in beautifully with a thought from Elder Foster during General Conference – “Our children are the largest group of investigators of the Church.”  I just loved that and yet, I’d never really thought of my children as investigators.  But it’s so true.  They watch every single thing we do and it’s true that our actions speak louder than words.  I loved the story that Pres. Benson shared about his mother teaching him about the temple.  She was busily ironing the temple clothes and she took the time to stop what she was doing, and lovingly taught her little boy about the sacredness of the temple.  I love attending the temple and I know that the blessings of the temple are real.  I'm so grateful for my eternal family.  

I also loved that in Elder Hafen’s talk, he said that contract companions give 50% but covenant companions give 100%.  My husband and I and our kids were just sealed last January.  Since my husband joined the Church, and since we were sealed I have noticed a marked difference in how we handle things.  We are far from the “perfect” marriage but it’s been a true joy to see the blessings that have come into our lives as a result of making these sacred covenants. 

Last, I really took to heart Elder Bednar’s thoughts about understanding the intent of our enemies.  It reminded me of our readings last week.  As we strive to learn and grow, as we pay attention, we can learn what the enemy’s strategy is and then we’ll be more prepared to fight them.  I think that this is so important, on so many levels in our relationships.  From defending marriage publicly and privately, to knowing who our kids are hanging out with, knowing what they’re being taught in school, etc. etc.  I love that as a husband and wife strive to move closer to the Savior, it brings the husband and wife closer to each other until all are one, united.  That is what I want my marriage to be, as I believe that this is the only way to achieve true happiness and success in our marriages and in life in general. 

Redefining Marriage

This week in class we learned about the effects of redefining marriage. 

I believe that redefining marriage is detrimental for our society.  There are many reasons why marriage should never be redefined.  It deeply affects all of our civil/religious rights, as well as the future of our children.  Lynne D. Wardle said, “How marriage is defined sends signals to and reflects common understandings about the expectations of the relationship.”  What kinds of messages are we sending our children if we allow the definition of marriage to be redefined.  Marriage is central to Heavenly Father’s plan.  Everything else is built around it.  It’s vastly important.  We read an article written for the gay community about how to “overhaul straight America”.  It was rather eye-opening and unfortunately we see those tactics being used all around us.  While there are some exceptions to the rule, the general state of a same-sex partnership is not one of commitment or love, or one of deep-rooted values, but rather it’s a relationship based on selfish desires.  The rates of “divorce” and multiple partners in a same-sex partnership are staggering.  How can an innocent child who is brought into such a situation learn about proper relationships?  Children need a mother and a father because men and women both offer different characteristics and differences that complement each other and that are both necessary for the proper upbringing of children.  A marriage is the union of a man and a woman, who, as a result of that union, bring children into the world.  It’s natural and it’s God’s design.  One only has to look at nature to see this.  There are no same-sex relationships amongst animals or plants or insects.  God’s design is that man and woman are meant to be together to replenish the earth.  As marriage is being redefined in the world around us, we who oppose it are seeing our civil liberties threatened – everyone from teachers, to therapists, to church officials, and more.  Why a cake baker should be forced to make a cake for someone, or a photographer be forced to photograph anyone's wedding is beyond me.  I don’t understand why someone can’t just move on and happily give their dollars to someone else who would be happy to oblige.  It seems that it's o.k. that we should give up our rights, and be forced to go against the very values that stand for,, but not the other way around.  
I believe that two people should be free to live their lives however they choose.  A person can love whomever they choose.  However, redefining marriage, which is the oldest and most vital institution that we have, is not necessary.  It’s not necessary and it is damaging.  Sadly, we won’t know the full effects of this for a long time, just as it took a long time to see the full effects of things such as no-fault divorce laws.  Unfortunately, our children will be the ones who have to deal with the effects, unless we stand together now to prevent any further damage.  We are taught to hate the sin, not the sinner.  I believe that to be true.  We should indeed treat everyone around us with love and compassion, as we are all sons and daughters of God.  However, we do not have to accept the sin.  

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog!  My name is Becky and I’m a student at BYU-Idaho.  I’m working on my Marriage and Family degree and as such, this blog is part of an assignment for – you guessed it – a marriage class.  I chose the name “The Matter of Marriage” because there are a lot of matters that go into a marriage, and marriage matters a lot.  To individuals, to families, and to society as a whole. 

Though this blog is an assignment, I am so excited to have the opportunity to talk about such an important topic every week.  Marriage is very important to me and if, through this blog, I can help even one individual or family, that will be great!  I hope at the very least to be able to give others some things to think about and maybe some ideas for their own marriage. 

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper, as some believe.  Marriage is a blessing.  I believe that marriage is ordained of God.  It affords eternal blessings to our families and to generations that follow.  Marriage is (or should be) a strong commitment between two people.  In many marriage ceremonies, the vows or the officiator will say something to the effect of “for better or for worse”, and the couple agrees to stand by each other – no matter what.  Unfortunately in our society the trend has turned.  Now, when things get tough, many people walk away.  It saddens me that some people actually think that there is such a thing as a “starter marriage” – let’s try it out and if it doesn’t work out, oh well.  Discard it and try again.  We see so many statistics that show a grim picture for marriage in our society.  The divorce rate is high; more and more people are opting for cohabitation before marriage; some have no desire to marry but still decide to have children together.  But why does any of this matter to you, or to me, or to anyone?  Well, it matters a great deal.  Children fare much better when they are raised in a home with a married mother and father.  Those children are the future of our society and their success at life starts at home.  The success of any society starts in the home, and whatever happens in society effects you and me.  I know very well that some marriages just do not work.  I would never suggest that someone stay in a dangerous or abusive relationship.  But I do believe that many – most – problems can be resolved if we're willing to work at it.  If we let go of our selfish desires and look to the Lord, we can get through anything. 

In writing this blog, I hope that I do not offend anyone.  My intent is to share what I'm learning, learn from each other and hopefully help someone along the way.  Thanks for stopping by and I hope that you'll visit again!